I asked the doc, “What’s wrong with me? I can’t feel anymore. No joy, no affection, no love. All I know is sorrow and emptiness.”
The doctor listened to my heart and said, “the problem is that you don’t have one. You are missing a heart.”
but how can one be missing their heart?
“I don’t know what keeps you alive,” the doc said.
“Then it must be destined.” And I left.
But everywhere I go, I see real people having fun and living. All I feel is pain. A deep penetrating sorrow. A mentor noticed this and said, “I don’t know what wrong but fake it till you make it.”
So, I tried. I pretended. It wasn’t hard. I had watched people all my life. I pretended for so long, that I actually became good at it, but pretending could not give me a heart.
All I feel is pain, the emptiness of the void.
Was I born with no heart?
I wanted to feel too. I wanted to smile and laugh.
They thought I was special. They thought I was different.
But its everyone else that is special.
I am the seed unfertilized, left to fester and rot.
No heart beats in this body.
All I feel is pain.
And I hate it.
I began to search and soon I found someone, who’s heart beat madly. I thought surely, their heart could beat for the two of us. I pretended well, so well that we became friends, perhaps more than that, but I didn’t know, because I had no heart to feel with.
They told me one day, “I love you.”
And that’s when I knew.
It had to be them.
“I love you too.”
But they could see I didn’t mean it. I couldn’t feel.
The doc never advised this. I took it upon myself to beat my friend senseless. I beat them then took a pillow and held it over their face till they stopped moving. Then I took big, sturdy blade and cut them open.
I plunged my hand up to the elbow, inside of them and searched.
When I pulled my hand out, I had their heart in it.
I felt nothing.
I stabbed myself and inserted the heart into my empty chest then squeezed till the thing beat for me. I took a deep breath and froze. I looked down at my partner.
Tears poured from my eyes.
“So, this is what love is like.”
It was pain.
I leaned down and placed a kiss on their still warm lips.
“I love you too.”
And this time, I meant it.