Searching For a Heart

            I asked the doc, “What’s wrong with me? I can’t feel anymore. No joy, no affection, no love. All I know is sorrow and emptiness.”

            The doctor listened to my heart and said, “the problem is that you don’t have one. You are missing a heart.”

            but how can one be missing their heart?

            “I don’t know what keeps you alive,” the doc said.

            “Then it must be destined.” And I left.

            But everywhere I go, I see real people having fun and living. All I feel is pain. A deep penetrating sorrow. A mentor noticed this and said, “I don’t know what wrong but fake it till you make it.”

            So, I tried. I pretended. It wasn’t hard. I had watched people all my life. I pretended for so long, that I actually became good at it, but pretending could not give me a heart.

            All I feel is pain, the emptiness of the void.

            Was I born with no heart?

            I wanted to feel too. I wanted to smile and laugh.

            They thought I was special. They thought I was different.

            But its everyone else that is special.

            I am the seed unfertilized, left to fester and rot.

            No heart beats in this body.

            All I feel is pain.

            And I hate it.

            I began to search and soon I found someone, who’s heart beat madly. I thought surely, their heart could beat for the two of us. I pretended well, so well that we became friends, perhaps more than that, but I didn’t know, because I had no heart to feel with.

            They told me one day, “I love you.”

            And that’s when I knew. 

            It had to be them.

            “I love you too.”

            But they could see I didn’t mean it. I couldn’t feel.

            The doc never advised this. I took it upon myself to beat my friend senseless. I beat them then took a pillow and held it over their face till they stopped moving. Then I took big, sturdy blade and cut them open.

            I plunged my hand up to the elbow, inside of them and searched.

            When I pulled my hand out, I had their heart in it.

            I felt nothing.

            I stabbed myself and inserted the heart into my empty chest then squeezed till the thing beat for me. I took a deep breath and froze. I looked down at my partner.

            Tears poured from my eyes.

            “So, this is what love is like.”

            It was pain.

            I leaned down and placed a kiss on their still warm lips.

            “I love you too.”

            And this time, I meant it.

2 thoughts on “Searching For a Heart

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